i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
