at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
