I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
