Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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