Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize