Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize