Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
