I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
