I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
and you fell through a lawn chair
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
