Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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