I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
