i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
