Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
