Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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