i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
