it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
