I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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