ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
