im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
