I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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