I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize