Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
