I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
