She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
