hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize