2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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