Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
