I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
