that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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