cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
