If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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