I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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