My room smells like vodka and shame
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
