Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
