saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
