it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
