Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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