you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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