you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
