Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Someone came in the potted fern
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
