If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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