I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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