Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
