There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
