escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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