fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
