Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
