Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
