i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
