Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
