Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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