Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
