so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
