My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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