Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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