They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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