I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize