So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
