My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
