Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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